HumorMarch 26, 2008

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Things To Expect In Every Fantasy League

By abe chong

Every league and every year are different. But it’s good to know that some things never change. Let’s take a look at a few of them today.

Obnoxious Team Names:

You can expect at least two genitalia-based team names, two or three teams named after deviant sex acts, obsessive vulgarity, confirmation of immaturity, and one team name reminding you who was last year’s champ. Guaranteed. Some guys just can’t get enough of Rusty Trombone going head-to-head against Dirty Sanchez.

Waiver Wire Sharks:

The guy in your league with ESPN Insider, NBA/MLB/NFL TV, and no life. Often running to the computer while watching live games to pickup players, Waiver Wire Sharks have no shame in the insane amount of add/drops they’ve made by the end of the season. While 75% of their pickups are jumping the gun, the other 25% will infuriate you because they’ll be players you really needed. My league refers to them as waiver wire… uh, women of loose morals. I mean, what do you expect if half the league has slept in your bed at some point?

Message Board Drama:

If you haven’t been an argument involving physical threat via public message board, then you ain’t a hardcore fantasy player. All long-time players have at least seen excessive caps lock trash talking.

The ‘Wack Trade’ Offerer:

Like clockwork, every year some homer is going to overvalue all of his players and undervalue all of yours. Expect to scrutinize their sanity when they offer you trades, and expect to talk a lot of crap about them with other owners. I actually appreciate Wack Trade Offerers. Without their lousy trade offers, fantasy owners would have nothing to get indignant about. Nothing gets a little blood boiling like being insulted by an owner who offers you a player that he’s just picked up off waivers. Don’t we all need to have our buttons pushed every once in a while?

Collusion Accusations:

Fantasy owners love to speculate on possible collusion. Maybe because it sounds like a big important word, or maybe because it’s more polite than saying “You’re a pathetic, low-life piece-of-[expletive] who’s cheating”. But you can always count on at least one noticeably lopsided trade to initiate murmurs of suspicion, fueled by incredulous message board comments, leading directly to accusation of collusion. Fittingly, Collusion Accusations are probably the highest leading cause of Messageboard Drama.

Got your own “Things To Expect”? Post them in the forums!

Abe is hardcore Bay Area sports fan whose been playing fantasy sports for 5+ years. You can find Abe posting in the forums as heckler408.
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